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VULNERABILITY

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Surely lately you’ve been noticing through my posts the signs of ‘heartbreak’ I’ve been experiencing. In a world where so many are afraid for others to see who they are, and the travails they’re experiencing in their lives, i share in absolute transparency, knowing so many others can relate. Perhaps this is a story all to familiar to you; i fell deeply in love with a girl who didn’t feel the same way, and it ultimately ended up destroying the friendship. In fact, at the end, she said a friendship never even existed. I found that interesting.

Nonetheless, my reason for writing this today is to talk about vulnerability. In vulnerability lies great power. This whole scenario these past few months presented an excellent opportunity for me to experience being vulnerable, on a level i never have before. For the first time, i recognized that when it comes to falling in love, we have little control. Our being resonates with the heart of another, and there’s little the mind can do to convince it otherwise– try though it may. I had two choices: resist what i was feeling, to ultimately avoid getting ‘hurt’ in the long run, or surrender to the will of an open heart, knowing that in doing so, i would be exploring the very depths of my own vulnerability.

Until she came along, i had never known what it felt like to be in deep resonance with another human being. I cannot begin to describe the level of unbounded reverence i had for this being. I was so sure she was my perfect mirror, in every way. She brought out the most genuinely kind, selfless, and creative me i had ever seen. I would experience tears of joy, simply thinking of her. I loved her wholly and completely. I couldn’t help but surrender to such intense feelings. They were automatic. They came from beyond me. My heart– my entire body– would flutter so intensely, every time i felt the radiance her beautiful being, even so far away. So, i allowed myself to bask in the gloriousness of this, the most deep of human emotion…and it was pure elated euphoria!

I am not going to speak to her behavior, though i will say it presented itself in myriad ways that confused the hell out of me on a very regular basis. She was highly indecisive, and afraid that in choosing one thing, she’d be missing out on so many others. Many times i found that I’d be asking myself; ‘do you still want to move forward with this, even though it might not end up how you want it to?’ And the answer was always a resounding ‘YES!’ In fact, I’d find myself quite literally feeling physically ill if i tried to withhold my feelings. I knew that no matter what, i had to honor my feelings first, even as my thoughts tried at every opportunity, usually in response to ‘information’ I’d be receiving from her, to bail us out of this sinking ship.

This was the first time i had ever put my heart out on the line like this. Previous relationships were just sort of mutual, but extremely tumultuous, nearly from the get-go. There was love, but i wasn’t in love. The flutters, if there at all, quickly went away. Never before had i been in the position where i was the only one who felt something. I was all in. My heart was hers, whether she wanted it or not. I couldn’t hold back the boiling over of love i had to give…and putting a lid on it was only met with an even more fervorous overflow. Each time, i surrendered to what i felt, and it would only result in an even deeper, richer feeling. What exciting, and uncharted territory! The vastness of my being was showing me through the doorway, the gateway, of my own vulnerability, and it turned out i had held the key all along. Surrender. It’s the only key that fits.

I write this now with no regrets, because i loved, wholly and completely, i was true to, and honest with myself, and i did my best– despite the odds. Though it turns out she is clearly not meant to be in my life at this time, it is because of her that i now know, through my own vulnerability, what it feels like to be in that deep resonance with another being that we call love. It is because of her that i allowed myself the opportunity to feel what it feels like not only to surrender to the will of the heart, but also to experience the contrast of allowing the mind to try and withhold that which the heart has already decided upon. Resistance…is futile.

So, i set myself up to sink with the ship, but in doing so, i became the ocean. I realized that there was truly nothing to fear. The difference between what the heart feels…and what the mind projects… is palpably felt. One resonates our entire being in pure euphoric ecstasy, and the other makes us feel physically ill. Going along with the mind’s story only yields temporary satisfaction. Love always prevails.

Though going forward, i will not be so quick to hand over my heart to one who does not value it, who is always looking for something better, i will also not fear being vulnerable once again. I know what it feels like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship from the past, and i now know what it feels like to be in a relationship where the love simply isn’t being reciprocated. Both have cultivated an immense degree of patience within me. Somewhere in the middle…is the balance. And it has required vulnerability to find it. I hope you, too, can allow yourself this great gift of your own vulnerability. I can’t imagine if i cut myself off from this experience prematurely, for the sole purpose of preserving my mind’s own presupposition of victimization. We are here to explore the depths of who we are– not suppress it!

Don’t allow your mind to once again talk you out of the richness of experience of being true to yourself. Her doubts started to become mine, but just as quickly dissolved in the vastness of my own truth. What a gift this was to me, from me, reflected by her. I can only imagine with how good it feels to love another in this way…how incredible it must feel for them to feel the same way, too. That’s next…

So i say with utmost enthusiasm; go out there, in there, up there, down there, and allow what you truly feel from the deepest part of your being to express itself out into this world! In vulnerability comes great power, and you are the key. Surrender to your truth, and your beautiful heart will never lead you astray. In being honest with, and true to ourselves, there are never any regrets.

BE you. BE LOVE. BE vulnerable.

Love, aaron

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